‘SNL’: Trump Signs Executive Orders Defending Bill Belichick, Chris Columbus and J.K. Rowling in Cold Open | Video

President Trump (James Austin Johnson) celebrated the first 100 days of his second term in this week’s “Saturday Night Live” cold open by signing a new slew of executive orders in support of Columbus Day, Bill Belichik and “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling.

The president was joined by White House Deputy Chief of Staff and “Lord of the Shadows” Stephen Miller (Mikey Day), whose remark that it was “an absolute pleasure” to be in the Oval Office with him prompted Johnson’s Trump to joke, “Wow! Even the nice things you say sound like Kylo Ren!” Trump then announced he would be bringing Columbus Day back from the ashes in support of beloved Italian Americans like Tony Soprano and Childish Gambino.

After introducing another executive order that would “reduce the number of interracial couples in TV commercials,” Day’s Miller then presented a document that “will make it socially acceptable for a man in his 70s to date a 24-year-old.” “That’s right! We’re calling it the Belichick Law,” Johnson’s Trump commented. “We’re gonna make girlfriends young again, OK? Old men can now date far younger women. We like that! It’s hot! But in reverse it’s quite disgusting, right? Very ‘Dateline,’ you know?”

You can watch the “SNL” cold open yourself below.

Following a brief discussion about Belichik’s girlfriend, Jordon Hudson, Trump then signed a pardon for Rowling, who has become an increasingly controversial figure in recent years for her anti-trans views. “Jackie Rowling! We love Jackie. She created a whole Wizarding World, a wonderful place for overweight millennials to stake their entire identity well past the point of it being cute,” Johnson’s Trump told viewers. “‘I’m a Hufflepuff!’ No, b—h. You work at Staples.”

Day’s Miller and Johnson’s Trump dragged out Secretary of State Marco Rubio (Marcello Hernández) to reluctantly co-sponsor another executive order that would strangely forbid “all Hispanic babies from getting their ears pierced.” Hernández’s Rubio made it clear that the bill in question was not his idea, but that didn’t stop Johnson’s Trump from quickly moving on to more executive orders dedicated to making the New York Times’ Connections game easier and outlawing… ghosts.

“We’re sick of the ghosts,” Johnson’s Trump explained. “We don’t like them. You know, every Christmas Eve I get visited by three ghosts. I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. They’re like, ‘Sir, you have to change. You did bad things and you have to change,’ and I’m like, ‘Stop rattling those chains, OK? I’m trying to enjoy my dark, lonely Christmas Eve!'”

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